Unwanted Desire-Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Severus had slept in the bathroom with only a towel as a blanket. He didn't really sleep, too worried about the morning.

Sirius: *groans n slowly stirred, finding himself on the bed n Sev nowhere in sight. Did he leave before him? Somehow tht thought made his heart ache a little. Yawning, he made his way to the bathroom to relieve himself n saw Sev there in the tub sleeping, surprised* Woah! U scared the hell outta me

Severus got up, hiding his body. "Well good morning to you too." he said lookign down. "I am going to change." He walked by him.

Sirius: *quickly grabbed his wrist* Hey...I...I still remember...everything. Wht we did...last night. I knw I was supposed to obey the no sex clause bt...I'm...I'm sorry if I hurt u... *looks dwn, a tint of colour on his cheeks*

"You dreamed it. You never touched me, so let me go." He frowned.

Sirius: *Had he reli dreamt it all? Then the sweet nothings, the I love you-s...they were all a dream?*

"Can you let go of my wrist. Please let go, Black."

Sirius: S-Sorry, Snape *lets him go abruptly* So...wht r u doing sleeping naked in the bathroom anyways?

"None of your business."

Sirius: *rolls his eyes* Fine. Be tht way. I was trying to be civil. Do u mind? Someone's gotta pee

"Fuck off." He walked out of the door. Once it was closed he breaht became ragged. He was not going to cry. He was not going to cry. But his heart ached for the intamice that would never be again.

Sirius: *as he relieved himself, he thought bk abt the sex last night. It wasnt a dream. He was sure it wasnt a dream. He remembered drinking, the odd warm feeling, the way Sev blushed wen he didnt want him to see him in his pussy boy state, the way they shared the kiss, the way they said I love you n screamed each other's name at the peak...It couldnt be a dream! It couldnt! Sev was hiding something, he just dunno wht*

Severus dressed and sat on the sighed of the bed. He looked at the bed sighing

Sirius: *finally came out aftr freshening up, dressed in his usual clothes* So...uh...Slept well?

"I didn't." he said.

Sirius: I thought we agreed tht I sleep on the floor n u take the bed

"You passed out. I thought it was only best." he still looked at the bed. Remembering what they had said in the heat of passion .

Sirius: Well...you shouldnt have. I'd be fine if u had just pushed me dwn onto the floor

"Black, forget it. The night is over and done with. We just have to make it through until 7 tonight then we are free to go about our lives."

Sirius: Snape, there is something ur not letting on here. I may be a little tipsy frm the booze bt I remember perfectly clear wht we have done last night. And I perfectly remember tht u were sporting a vagina instead of a dick

Severus looked up at him, frowing, but he blushed. "You did drink too much." He nodded.

Sirius: *frowned as well* If ur so sure tht I was dreaming, prove it. Show me tht u have a dick

Severus jumped up. "I don't have to show you anything!" He tried getting around Sirius to go back to the bathroom.

Sirius: *grabs his wrist before he could run off* No! I knw when I'm right n wen I'm wrong, n gut instincts tell me ur lying to me *turns him ard to see*

Severus pulled his wrist up to bite down, hard. Then tried to pull away again.

Sirius: Ahh! *lets go a moment then captured his shoulders angrily n pushed him against the wall, using his legs to spread Sev's as he looked dwn, seeing the vagina there* Hah. I knew I was right

"Fine, you fucked me. Now you can got cry to your friends that a geasy git let you fuck him." Severus was still angry. "Now let me go."

Sirius: No, I wont. I wont go crying to my friends abt it. I told u I do not regret marrying u. N I remember perfectly clear wht we said to each other last night. Bt I'm not gonna rub it in *kissed his forehead before letting him go, sitting on the bed*

Severus bit his lip, as soon as Sirius let him go he slide to the floor. Every. He remembered everything. GOD! he knew about his father and him. No!

Sirius: *sees Sev looking rather distraught n he wasnt sure whether he should go close to him or stay where he was. Finally he sighed* If it makes u feel any better, we more or less have the same damned childhood

"You don't know anything about my childhood!" He yelled. "You don't know anything."

Sirius: I knw how it feels like to have the man u trust n look up to as a father betraying u

"Don't." He warned. "Just don't." This is not what he wanted to talk about with Sirius. Not at all. No one should have ever known that.

Sirius: U've already spilt ur guts out to me. Might as well get it off ur chest. Its not like I've got anyone to tell

"I know you will tell someone. Like I said yesterday. I do not trust you, Black. Not even after last night. I only trust one person."

Sirius: And tht's Lil, I knw. Look, u dont wanna tell me, fine. Bt if u do tell me, knw this, I am willing to swear an Unbreakable Vow not to tell if tht's enough to earn ur trust. I'm trying to be a civil friend, if not a husband

Severus took a deep breath. Should he? It might help, but then again. "I never told anyone, not even Lily until a few days ago, but still she does not know everything. There are just somethings you can not tell a woman." he laid his head back against the wall. "My father raped me when I was 13. I had just come back from school and found out that my father had sent my mother to the hospital. I was so mad and I tried to take him on. Even drunk he was much stronger. He got me down on the ground and he... and he..." his lower lips was trimpling. "He raped me. My own father raped me."

Sirius: Fucking hell... *a hint of murder glazed past his eyes as he heard the full story* Tht man should be castrated. Well? Wht did u omit frm Lil abt?

"I told her it happened only happened a few times. But is didn't. Everytime I was home and after my mother had passed out from my father beating her he would come to me. After a while I started trying to enjoy it, but I never really could. When I was 15 I started making a bargin with him, if he left my mother alone I would take him however he wanted me. And it worked for a short while."

Sirius: *looked a little disgusted, not at Sev, bt at the father, his heart racing with anger n adrenaline* A...short while, you say...? *not sure how to respond*

"My mother went to her father to ask to come back to the family. See my mother was a pure blood that married a mere muggle. But my grandfather threw her out saying she had made her choice. My mother could not stand the abuse any more so she killed herself a week before christmas of our 7th year."

Sirius: *felt a lump on his throat as he dared himself to get up n come close to Sev, though still keeping a distance as he sat in front of him* S...So...wht did ur dad do?

"What do you think? He forced sex on me. There was no one there to protect me or for me to protect. I was 17 y/o wizard that turned into a the same 13 y/o boy that had first been raped." Surpisingly Severus had not cryed once. "Last night...was wonderful. It was very nice."

Sirius: *couldnt hold bk n plced his hands on his shoulders, his head lowered as he started sobbing, tears raining dwn onto the floor. It was as if the tears tht Sev refused to shed had all been transferred to him as he cried for the man, the man tht he had misjudged for yrs*

Severus blinked and put his head down. "Black it is not all that bad. I am over it now." He was not truely over it at all.

Sirius: No, ur not! *looks up at him tearfully* U talking like this like it didnt evn matter means ur not ovr it at all! Look at me! I'm feeling all the pain tht u r feeling, n I lived thru it with u last night wen I saw u so vulnerable, so fragile in my arms! Ur not ovr it, so stop pretending u r n let go of tht mask for once! *again, out of impulse, he hugged Sev close to his chest, sobbing some more*

"I have to be strong for Star. I can't just sob everything I think about it." He said. "I just can't do that."

Sirius: Ur stubbornness is gonna make u crack under pressure one day. Fine, if u wont cry for ur sorrows, then...then I will cry it for u. At least I'm not ashamed of showing my emotions

"I showed enough of them to you yesterday. Please Black, get up." His body had been reaching to Sirius in a way that he didn't want it.

Sirius: *does so, regaining composure as he wiped his tears away* So...u reli mean it? Abt last night being...wonderful? I...didnt hurt u, did I?

"It did to a point. But you tried to make me feel good.....I was truthful last night when I said I wanted you to be the first."

Sirius: S-Seriously...? *could barely hide the blush* Um...why? Why me?

"It was from the train. I was a stupid kid. I thought that after we kissed we would start dating and you would take me away from my family. But then you started playing jokes on me so I knew it was a stupid childish think, but I still, deep down wanted you."

Sirius: S...Sorry... *looks dwn* I sorta gave u hell not coz u embarassed me on the train. It's coz...u awoken something reli fierce, something I wish I would nvr want to relive

"What do you mean?" He asked. "Something fierce?"

Sirius: I was...nvr reli fond of kisses bk then. I hated it. U can say I...had a phobia against intimacy bk then *looked dwn*

"Really?" He closed his legs and knelt on his knees.

Sirius: Yeah...N it's thanks to...my parents *looks away, slightly tearing up*

"No crying, black. You need to be strong."

Sirius: I'm done being strong. I've been strong for more than 30 yrs of my life. I was nvr allowed to cry. Nvr allowed to shed a tear. I was forced to put a smile on my face everyday for the rest of my fucking childhood bcoz I didnt n couldnt let ppl knw wht I've been thru. Evn wen Lil found out, I didnt cry at all. Wen Remy found out, he was the one tht broke me of my defenses, letting me reach out n get in touch with my emotions. Let me stop pretending tht I was fucking alright with everything, bcoz it's not alright! I'm done being strong! I'm sick of it!

Severus pulled his hand back. "I can't be week. I have to be strong for Star. Everything is for her. I don't want her to know about my childhood. I want her to have the life I never had. I want her to feel comfotable with her father. Not hopeing he will pass out before he fuck you."

Sirius: *sighs n chuckled bitterly* And I thought I got problems *hid his hand on his eyes, covering them*

"If you hadn't been so pissed you would have noticed. Did you ever once ask why I went to Pomfrey after getting to school?"

Sirius: No...I guess not. I guess I just...wanted to feel a little dominance in my life frm wht I hv to endure at home...wht my PARENTS *said tht venomously* do to me

"Then tell me. I spilled my guts now you have to."

Sirius: *hesitated, being tht only Lily n Remy was the only person he confided to, bt decided to be fair abt it* Fine, u scratch my bk, I scratch urs. Lemme ask u one thing. Wht do u knw abt the Ancient House of Black?

"That they are purebloods. I tried talking to Regulus but he never wanted to talk about it."

Sirius: Who could blame him? I nvr evn talk abt it either. Do u knw where their wealth reli comes frm?

"Not really."

Sirius: Prostitution. We earn big money frm doing businesses on both the Muggle side n the wizard side, n tht's where our wealth reli came frm, using an aristocratic lifestyle with a legit business in textile as a cover. Bt tht's not the worst of it. Those who were found to be bloodtraitors in our family were soon wiped out of our family tree n taken into the business, forced to earn their forgiveness tht would nvr be achieved by making them work as prostitutes both male n female. Tht's our life, Snape. Tht's the true Ancient House of Black

"How..." He shook his head. "What about you?"

Sirius: *smirks* Wht do u think? *spreads his arms in a sarcastic inviting manner* I'm ur regular call boy, at ur service. As soon as my family found out tht I was sorted into Gryffindor, they made it clear tht I was a blood traitor n I was immediately treated no more than an ass to fuck. Reggie may not agree to this bt he just stood by n let me be taken away by men n women alike to fuck n be fucked, the money I earned nvr reli reached my pocket. They used my education as an excuse to keep the money, oh, bt I knw where all tht money went to reli, alright. How do u like me now? Why do u think I'm being such a rebel n always wanting to kick someone's ass? Why do I always pick on u? Coz tht kiss u took frm me made me remember the whore I reli am. The disappointment of the Ancient House

Severus cupped his cheek. "I am sorry you had to live through that, but still that did not give you the right to treat me like shit. I am a human being too."

Sirius: Like I said, I...had wanted dominance. My whole life is controlled n I wanted to BE in control for once. I just...didnt knw... *looks dwn*

"Then why didn't you take it to the next level? You could have raped me. not like you would have cared." He started to get up.

Sirius: Because I could nvr bring myself to do it. I couldnt. Aftr being used like a rag doll myself, I couldnt bear to see tht on u...I...I do care abt u...sometimes...I...I... *dare not say "I love you" like he had said last night in their heat of passion, afraid tht it would push Sev away*

"Well I guess we got sex out of the way." He said, getting up and brushing himself off. "Now how about we just stay on oppostie sides of the room. Ok?"

Sirius: Well...If tht's wht u want... *went to the opposite reluctantly, glancing at Sev*

Severus stayed where he was and turned his back. "Did you sleep well, Black?"

Sirius: Vry well actually, since Remy's gone, nightmares have been plaguing me a little

"Ah." He nodded, looking at his hands. "Try clearing your head before you go to bed."

Sirius: *rolls his eyes* Easy for you to say. U...remember when I made a remark abt ppl abandoning me?

"Yes. Why do you say that everyone has abboned you?"

Sirius: Well first off, its my parents. Well, technically they didnt "abandon" me, bt them making me a prostitute made me feel abandoned, showing tht they dont love me anymore n tht I was no longer in the family. Reggie abandoned me n want nothing to do with me as soon as the family verdict was made of me, just standing there watching me as I get taken away again n again by those...those fuckers. N then its the customers themselves

"Didn't you want then to leave? The customers."

Sirius: Most of them, yes. Bt in my line of service, I do have a few favourites. They all promise me tht they will divorce their wives or "wives", if u knw wht I mean, or break up with their lovers to take me away n let me live the life I deserve, only to no longer show up anymore. *sighs* I'm a sucker for punishment wen I'm younger, always believing them n always disappointed in the end

"You can only trust in yourself, you can't turst anyone else. Everyone can hurt you if you let them."

Sirius: Yeah, well, I was young n stupid. Sue me *huffed as he looked dwn at his knees, mumbled* Rub it in, why dontcha?

"I wasn't. I just learned long ago that there was no such things as Knights in Shinning amor. No one will come amd take you away from your life. You taught me that, Black."

Sirius: *his breath hitched as he looked up at him guiltily* I...nvr reli meant tht...

"It is the past, Black. Let us leave it at that." He said. "I have to go to Diagon alley tomorrow. So I will be leaveing this room when I can. You can stay here, though. I don't know how long it is booked for but it is nice to get away."

Sirius: *looks dwn* Why dont u just come out n say tht it is nice to get away frm me?

"Ok. I will. It is good way to get around you. I don't want to repeat last night."

Sirius: *frowns* If u dont want to repeat last night, wht's the point of telling me tht it felt nice n good? U still hate it aftr all, I knew it. U n ur lies. Just like them!

"I did't lie." He stood up and turned around. "The first time I had sex with a man and it did not hurt. But look at us. I still do not trust you. Black if you want this to work give me time to want to trust you. When I do you will know."

Sirius: Fine. Bt just so u knw, I'm willing to put my trust on u as a friend, if not a husband, bt ur not exactly giving me enough room to let me trust u either

"Fine. I trust you. What are you going to do now?" He said. "Proclaim love that you don't mean, or fuck me again?"

Sirius: I... *looks away, not sure wht to say* I wont do anything u dont want to, tht's for sure

"Then shut up leave me in peace." he sat back down, back to Sirius.

Sirius: Fine *bk facing Sev, the feeling of "This is a whole bloody mistake" creeping inside him again*